Top of the Muffin

A column about nothing: We're always delighted by references to the now-defunct NBC sitcom "Seinfeld" -- whether they are intentional or not.
So we were overjoyed when a marquee at the Provo Kneaders announced that the bakery now sells muffin tops.
It reminds us of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine has the brilliant business idea of ditching the muffin "stumps" and selling only tops at a bakery.
No one, she reasons, really likes the stumps anyway.
Unlike Elaine on "Seinfeld," Kneaders employees won't have to worry about stump removal. The bakery doesn't actually bake a whole muffin. Rather, they use a shallow pan that produces only "tops."
We can vouch, they are moist and tasty.
It's a promising start, but there are other Seinfeldisms we'd like to see take hold in Utah Valley. Wouldn't it be great if:
The First Night celebration gave way to a countywide observation of Festivus?
Brigham Young University's internship offices started a placement program with Kramerica Industries?
Utah Valley Regional Medical Center gave away a free package of Junior Mints with each surgery?
Stationery stores start offering envelope moisteners to avoid wrongful-death lawsuits?
Orem's Chef's Table added a Snickers bar to its dessert menu -- to be eaten with a knife and fork?
Puffy shirts replaced capri pants as the hottest local fashion item?
The five dozen Wal-Marts in the valley started offering "manziers" for men whose upper bodies are going to heck in a handbasket?
It would be a brave new world, to be sure. But if we can get rid of muffin stumps in the county, who knows what other feats of strength we could accomplish?
Top of the muffin to ya!
-- Elyssa Andrus This story appeared in The Daily Herald on page B1 on March 16, 2005.